I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
