I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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