you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
