Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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