I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
