Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
