dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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