We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
