Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
