so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
