Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
