Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I party with great urgency now.
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