The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
