she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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