I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
