What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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