I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
