K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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