I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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