life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
