Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
