Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
