Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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