dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
