if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
