did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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