life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
