Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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