i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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