Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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