??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
