literally had 100 drinks last night.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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