Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
