dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
