you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The police scanner is talking about you again....
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
