Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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