:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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