I need help removing her.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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