So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
