I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
