I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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