two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
