I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
