billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
