Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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