very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
