Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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