I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
