OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
