there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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