the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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