i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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