Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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