I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
