Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
