Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
