this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I intend to get homeless drunk
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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