Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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