i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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