You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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