You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
