My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
