I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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