All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
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His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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